What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 09:18
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Ive learnt so much.
Im still living with it.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He knew the spot.
How do I get over a long-term relationship breakup?
But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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He resisted the act ,that day.
She was in good health!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why can’t my wife just accept the fact that I’m going to cheat?
I was seconnd youngest,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Comes on , in middle age.
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was scared of men, in general
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
My family never makes their pension either.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot live in the past .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is soul school!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
All the time i was locked up.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I waited trembling.
I said to her
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I don,t even have a pension.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She married twice! .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She found it foreign!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So whats the point in blame.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But, we were locked up after school.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She loved him until the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i lived it daily.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why did i forgive my father ?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We were not on the streets..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them